BOUNDARIES by Gloria Edozien

A noun is the name of person, animal, place or thing. That’s probably one of the first definitions I learnt at school. Today, it has become the foundation of my English language progression. More than two decades later and the exact wording of the definition is still etched in my memory, framing the phrasing of various sentences and my use of capitals in day to day life.

But definitions are not only useful in language. We use them in our lives to differentiate between our various relationships. Defining what someone means to us helps us draw invisible lines of interaction. Family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, such relationship definitions set boundaries which in turn define the types of interactions that occur in such relationships. For us women in particular, defining our relationships with the opposite sex is important. We are “talking” but he hasn’t ‘said’ anything ‘concrete’ yet; He is my ‘boyfriend’; We are ‘engaged’, He is my ‘husband’. Most women, tend to ‘box’ guys into certain categories. We usually know within the first 5 minutes of meeting a guy whether we will banish him forever into the abyss of friendship, if he has potential to be more than a friend or if we can marry him within the next few months!

I recently had a long dinner with one of my oldest friends Bisi. As we filled each other in on work, family and other jist, conversation naturally moved to relationships. She told me about a guy who she had had a brief dalliance with last year. Although the relationship had started out as something purely physical, it had now matured into something deeper. With a cheeky smile on her lips, she recounted how she was tired of seeking to define her relationships and decided to just let things progress in what ever direction. She wasn’t eager to make this ‘concrete’, all she wanted was to have fun and be happy. Today they are a full fledge couple and practically inseparable. At first, I was a bit alarmed by this free for all physical nature of her relationship. I mean, what if the guy had taken advantage of her? What if he just wanted to keep things physical and then went elsewhere for something more meaningful. Her reply was quite candid, “Glory, what if I too was just using him? After all he wasn’t the only one having fun, we were both having a good time and today it’s progressed into something special. If it didn’t, someone else would have come into my life”. As forthright as her answer was, I wasn’t convinced.

It wasn’t until a few weeks later, when I had a discussion with one of my aunties that I began to see the possible merits in Bisi’s approach. There I was hopelessly trying to avoid my aunt’s rather leering questions about my relationship when she started to complain about my failure to secure a husband. “Glory, you are going about this wrong” she said as she squeezed the second half of the orange we both shared into her mouth. In my days, we had many suitors and we would choose from them. Girls of today just sit down and date one man for 50years and call him their boyfriend. That’s why when he leaves you to marry someone else you start from the beginning. But if you have many suitors, you just move your attention to the next. You have to open your eyes”. As if sensing my thoughts, she glanced at me from the corner of eye and added, “I am not saying you should start sleeping around oh, in my day you could date someone without being so generous, but today you people are different”. Embarrassed as I was to be having this conversation with my aunt, whose kids were years older than myself, I couldn’t help but see reason in her advice.

Unlike most of my articles, where I have come to a conclusion on what my course of action should be, I find my legs straddling both sides of this argument. Are we 21^st century women selling ourselves short by tying ourselves down to one man and giving him the all important definition of “boyfriend”, when many of our male counterparts are reluctant to do the same? Should we instead, be in less of a hurry to place definitions on our relationships? Maybe even adopt a version of Bisi’s attitude and let things develop as they will, while pitching mini tents in other places? After all, we all know how dangerous it is to keep all our eggs in one basket. Or is there something to be said for setting relationships within their proper order by defining them? Is it better to keep one guy at a time, regardless? Clearly there are arguments for and against both approaches but I wonder if one argument has more positives than then other.

Reposted from: www.bellanaija.com

Farmer Graham was right to stand up to Rihanna's antics

Alan Graham must be bemused to find himself standing in the celebrity circus ring, suddenly lit up by the blinding light of publicity.

An unassuming 61-year-old farmer from Bangor in Northern Ireland, he had given permission for a film crew to shoot a video of the pop idol Rihanna on his land.

Mr Graham had no idea who Rihanna was, but he did not like what she was doing in his fields. Just as he was passing by on his tractor, she threw off her top and bra for the benefit of the rolling cameras. 

Just not on! Democratic Unionist Party Alderman Alan Graham said he was fetching his tractor when he saw Rihanna cavorting in his field and thought it was unacceptable

Being a Christian of deep faith, he was unhappy the crew were  filming what he believed to be pornographic images.

So he politely asked them to leave his field — and they did.

The story has spread around the world and, despite the fact Mr Graham insists he parted amicably with Rihanna and her crew, there seems to be disbelief that this principled farmer did not prostrate himself before the half-naked diva rather than evict her from his land. 

Country girl: Rihanna gets down to business in farmer Graham's field

For such effrontery he has been pilloried by the show business world, the media and ardent Rihanna fans.

On Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine show yesterday, a brash and brassy journalist from the Belfast Telegraph accused Mr Graham of dragging her people back to the joyless days of terrorism, of putting back recovery and progress.

She wailed that everyone around the world would look down again on Northern Ireland and see its people as backward.  

Po-faced? Message on a barn close to where the shoot was taking place

A local woman called in to complain farmer Graham had fatally wounded their tourism industry with his  po-faced Christian belief.

She said that, because the filming had been stopped, the province would miss all those visitors who would have visited the area to see the field where Rihanna jiggled her stuff in her new video.

Elsewhere, Mr Graham has been attacked for being a fundamentalist Christian and Ulster Unionist — as if such allegiances automatically mean he has no place in an advanced societies. 

Rude girl: Rihanna is filming scenes for her latest video at several locations in Northern Ireland

As a liberal and a Muslim who lives in London, I confess it is unlikely I would have much in common with farmer Graham, with his faith or his politics. It is possible I wouldn’t even like the man much.

Semi-pornographic: More controversy from Rihanna as she danced topless in the field on the video shoot

Lights, camera, action: Extra lighting is set up to capture the Bajan beauty before Mr Graham's protestation

Reposted from: www.dailymail.co.uk

PINK DOTES OVER GORGEOUS BABY DAUGHTER WILLOW SAGE

She has made no secret of how much she has been enjoying motherhood.

And today it was no different as Pink doted over the apple of her eye; her gorgeous three-month-old Willow Sage in New York.

Staring into her daughter's eyes she cooed and cuddled with the tiny tot as they sat on a bench seat.

Motherly love: Pink doted all over the apple of her eye; her gorgeous three-month-old Willow Sage in New York today

Kiss the pink: The singing sensation gave her baby a peck right on cue

Relaxed in a comfortable all-black outfit consisting of baggy trousers, a tight t-shirt and a pair of combat boots, she later held her tiny baby over her shoulder, whilst she sipped on a refreshing drink.

The new mother went make-up free and pulled her platinum hair back in a paisley printed bandana.

The two girls were also joined by Corey Hart, Pink's husband and Willow's father.

They were making their way to an awaiting chauffeured car after what appeared to be a relaxing lunch.

Gorgeous: Staring into her daughter's eyes she cooed and cuddled with the tiny tot as they sat on a bench seat

Babe in arms: The pop star made sure she kept a tight grip on her bundle of joy

Father and daughter also wore shades of black, with Willow in adorable top and trouser combination complete with red and pink trim, and Corey in a black hoodie and grey shorts.

During the last few weeks the family have been enjoying several fun outings, including visits to the beach and a trip to the Malibu Fair over Labor Day weekend. 

At the carnival, the Missundaztood singer looked like she had a ball as she enjoyed quality time with her husband and daughter.

Mini me: Pink cradled her daughter close as they made their way around the big city

Multitasking: Relaxed in a comfortable all-black outfit, she later held her tiny baby over her shoulder, whilst she sipped on a refreshing drink

The star dressed down in combat trousers, boots and short-sleeved lumberjack shirt, but still managed to give her legion of male fans something to smile about by wearing a push-up bra and low-cut top.

Her day got even better when she appeared to have won a giant teddy bear at one of the stalls for her little girl.

Little Willow was born in Los Angeles on June 2 this year.

Family time: The two girls were also joined by Corey Hart, Pink's husband and Willow's father

Pink immediately embraced motherhood, telling People magazine after the birth:

'You hear people say it all the time, how life changes so drastically, but you can't possibly grasp how beautiful that is until you have your child.'

She and her Carey recently moved their family into a plush $11 million Malibu mansion, which  boasts 6,800 square feet, six bedrooms and seven bathrooms.

Her old Spanish-style Los Angeles pad is currently on the market for $4 million.

Alone time: At one point Pink stepped out for a solo coffee run

Reposted from: www.dailymail.co.uk

REASONS YOU ARE NOT MARRIED (BY AMARA)

You are not married because there is no man ready for marriage as a good number of men are looking for life partners. The major reason Nigerian men are now scared of marriage is waywardness. Men are now afraid because they don't know who to trust and also not sure if that beautiful girl they are interested in still has her womb intact.

They are also afraid because of the high mountain ladies have suddenly placed themselves on as no woman wants to date a poor man any longer but are all interested in those with good cars and houses.

A man recently told me why he does not allow his girlfriends to come to his house. According to him, he doesn’t want a case where a girl enters his house only for her to refuse leaving because of the beauty of the house and cars she will see.

Isn’t it surprising how single ladies now out-dress married women with good jobs whose husbands are very rich? You are not married because the single men around you are wondering if they will be able to meet up with your ever-demanding lifestyle. Even when they know they can afford it, what makes them believe you won’t take a walk tomorrow if anything goes wrong?

Another reason is that with your good job and salary, they are even afraid to come near you as they wouldn’t want to be turned down.

I have a female colleague, a very pretty girl who lives in her own house and drives a posh car. She also has different businesses to show for it. Recently, I advised her to calm down a bit as friends I introduce her to who ordinarily would have gone for her, all run away after meeting her and come back to me with the same word, “Amara, this one go send me go village.”

Another reason you are going to grow old in your father’s house is this: You want a ready-made man instead of a growing man with vision. Are you aware that if you have not obtained favour from God, the man will decrease instead of increasing when you enter his house? Work on your character, the words that come from your mouth, your lifestyle, the way you carry yourself, the way you dress, the places you visit and then spend time trying to find favour before God because it’s only favour that can make your husband increase the moment you step into his life.

In fact, the moment a man proposes to you, there must be some positive movements in his finance if at all you have obtained favour.

It is never your duty to find a man. While he is working trying to raise money to sustain whoever he takes home to his mother, you should get yourself busy obtaining favour from God for you to be his source of blessing. A man knows when the wife is a source of blessing and that is the only time he cherishes you.

In the previous paragraph, I said the man should take you home to his mother. I don’t understand why you get married to a man who believes it’s just between the two of you. Read the Bible; they all took their wives home to their mothers. If a man cannot take you home to his people, something is wrong. Isn’t it surprising how many of us are married without knowing our husband’s village and his mother’s bedroom? Marriage, in the African culture, is not between the man and woman alone, the two families must be involved.

Hey, you have to stop moving from one prayer house to the other in search of miracles that are not coming even after you might have emptied your pocket. Go back to your room; deal with your character and bad nature that is filled with pride and disrespect for the elderly. Cut down on frivolities and that is not all, deal with your party and aso ebi spirit. You must also deal with that thing that gets you to aimlessly move from one end of the street to the other all in search of precious souls to destroy. Change that mentality that says you use what you have to get what you want; any man you get with your ass is as filthy, unreliable and irresponsible as you are.

Common girl, go deal with yourself first before you start blaming your step mother of being the one keeping you down. Stop blaming your neighbours and friends of standing on your way to progress. I just told you the bitter truth which your Alfa, Babalawo, pastor and Imam may never tell you. Stop wasting your time chasing shadows, go and deal with yourself first before complaining.

I know of a wonderful lady who sings so well that when she comes to lead in worship, miracles take place. People love her, but this lady is unmarried till date. It is not because men don’t go to her for marriage or because she is ugly; her number one obstacle is her character. They say there are many old single ladies in our churches; I think I know the problem and not that most of them wasted their lives in frivolities only to realise the last minute that they have to run into the church where they can get a brother to marry.

I am not trying to judge anyone’s past, but the issue is that even when they join those churches, their characters don’t change. It’s really appalling how some ladies talk to men simply because they are in the same church. Some of them fight everyone in their department in church while some live their lives begging from one member to the other.

What do have to say about ladies who fight for food during church meetings? Those guys would be foolish to see the stuff you are made of and still go ahead to take you home to mama.

I always tell ladies that if by the age of 30 no man had asked to know if you are for sale, there is something wrong somewhere; its either spiritual or attitudinal, but the truth is that it is always more attitudinal than spiritual.

You have been fasting and praying and going for all levels of deliverance but it seems nothing is working. What is your character like after all the prayers and religious devotions? It is sad when I see a single girl walk up to a married woman sitting with her husband and telling the woman to get up because she was there before her. You attend functions with extra bags to pack food and drinks and when it’s time to hit the dancing floor, you do that as if there is no tomorrow. What do you expect from life when you are the source of all quarrels in your neighbourhood, church and office?

This is the moment of truth and if at all you want to be delivered, your decision to deliver yourself is the first step to your breakthrough.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE

According to Webster's dictionary love is an intense concern for or passionate attraction to another person.

According to a Kirk Franklin song I heard in my high school days Love they say "is a word that comes and goes though few people really know what it means to reall love somebody."

Love is not easy but when you fall inlove it is the "Bomb!"

When you refer to the Bible in Ist Corinthians 13 it gives you the qualities of love and above all it doesn't tell you that love hurts.

If you read the Bible in every commandment GOD gives HE always says "Above all love your neighbor as you love yourself." You know it is the way you love people that comes back to you. And according to the Bible love is the greatest gift of all.

I have a friend who always says "think about what you say and do and ask yourself will I do this to myself."

There are different kinds of love:

Unconditional love: its like a mother's love for her child. Like GOD's love for us.

But today we're going to talk about the kind between two people. "man and a woman."

I remember the first time I fell inlove it was like butterflies. I felt so good and just forgot all about food. When you are inlove and have someone love you back it seems like you can pretty much go any length for that person.

I think when love hurts is when you have to let that person go...then you feel like you have a big pit in your stomach. It feels like a dark hole and at that time anyone that comes to you and whispers the right words can easy knock you off your feet.

I always say to people, it's best to know who you are and search yourself before someone can love you for you and love you the way you want to be loved. Remember earlier I mentioned that it's the way you love people that comes back to you. But now look at it in another way "it's the way you love and see yourself that makes people see you and how much you are worth."

One thing ladies fail to know is that some men (as much as I would love not to say this) are really smart. A smart man can see through a woman and if he wants to get you he knows how and when. One thing about some men though is that they give respect to certain kinds of women.(The women that give respect to themselves).

Now I have seen there's a difference between women playing hard to get and being actually respectful to theirselves.

When a woman respects herself nothing phases her. Not the riches, the body, the height, etc.

But when that woman finds true love watch and see how silly she gets.

When love gets a hold of you it renders you silly, I mean people begin to think wow she/he is so stupid. Well personaly I dont think love is stupid or blind..I just feel like the Bible says love sees and knows no faults.

It is quite hard to find that love..the one that makes the butterflies in your stomach come alive. But when you find it and find it for real..it is ahmazing!

Though love is great, it need to be watered just like a plant. Love needs to be fed daily. You can't just say oh am inlove and you sit and day dream all day..well while you day dream your love will find another flower bed where it can be fed with fresh water and fertilizers.

Sometimes when you look at certain couples, they are so  inlove that they begin to look alike.

I notice something in some men though. When they are inlove they try so hard to play the hard guy, the tough macho man and don't want people to think they are weaklings. Personaly Ithink it is actually sexy for a man to run after his woman and just let people see how far he can can go for his love.

Have you ever been inlove..makes you feel like you are floating in the air..nothing the person says is bad..seems like you just want to make the person happy..you just want to do everything to please that person you love..but most of all before you claim you are inlove..start by loving yourself and seeing yourself's worth then you'll definitely find that person who will see your worth and love you just the way you deserve to be loved..but most of all, love aint easy but when you get it right it feels like heaven.

Have a fabulous week!

RELATIONSHIPS AND ITS ISSUES

It’s just dreadfully heartbreaking when you hear a lot of stories based on what spouses go through in their relationships and marriages, and when you are being ill-treated by your spouse, mostly the ladies. For example, your partner disrespecting you and on the whole the love turns to disrespect. There are a lot of issues regarding the debris of most relationships. Communications is a key issue. 

In situations where you need to get your point across, how do you do it constructively without getting insignificant quarrels, slanging matches and plate-throwing contests, and the moment you tell him "Honey, we need to talk", the minute the word leaves your mouth, you see his face freeze up. He already knows what you want to discuss with him and apparently he tries to evade the whole thing. Some guys end up niggling and telling their partners never to bring up the issue again because he feels you both have dealt with the issue. You also need to discover the derivation of the problem. this is the first tip many of us fail to do. Instead of accomplishing the core issues, we stay away from it by talking around the issue (talk about topic that are not consequential), sweeping it under the rug, pretending like it doesn't exist, and talking to others about the problem instead of talking to the person who has caused the dilemma. If you cannot tackle the problem, you will constantly keep having communication problems. 
The issue of past relationship baggage need to let go. You have to be over your exes and you have to be over the damage as well. A solution is to be able to comprehend that an ex is no longer a part of you anymore and you are with somebody else. Some may ultimately turn out to be the issues of comparison (e.g.  my ex girlfriend or boyfriend use to take me to the beach every weekend). Now, you are already welcoming jealousy because it sounds like you have not yet gotten over you ex, and you still keep in touch with your ex. Its best you stay friends in as much as you also reduce the baggage too. Once its over between you and your ex, I mean its done and dusted, and over. So do not cross boundaries because it would definitely affect your partner. Get rid of your baggage to avoid jealousy and lack of trust in your relationship.